i'm feeling incredibly wretched. fever, aching body and cough. great way to usher in e new yr -.- couldn't even get some angie time. at least someone comforted me this morning rather unexpectedly (: put me to bed with a smile on my face.

anyway, decided to do my reflections now while its all peaceful and quiet. 2006 wasn't a particularly great year, neither was it a horrid year. it had its ups and downs. alot of the downs were the lingering effects of events in 2005.

but i suppose the best thing of 2006 was dance night (: amarante. it was probably the happiest time of the entire year. haha. i choreographed 2 dances, performed in 5. it was absolutely lovely. so many times in the dance studio i thought we'd never get there, but it all turned out wonderful. and all the darling dancers who made it so great, my partner leslie, jem my co-ic, alicia, bryan, angie, cat, matt, krist, yongneng, yijing, zul, nat, nigel, jiayi, kenneth, viola and chen wei. plus evelyn, joy, bea, xinqin, cheryl, sarah, GOLDFISH, dee, zhu nian, xin yi, jingjing, charmaine and so so so many more. dance was the biggest part of my rj life, and with the close of 2006, i can finally say goodbye to rj (thankfully), but i'll definitely miss rj dance the absolute most. oh yes, i must say getting e recognition of laoshi after all these yrs, is really gratifying (:

there was the world cup. smirks. which resulted in many late night sms convos with yipeng or junwee. and all the hilarious messages from ming, or the screamings over e phone (: football rocks my socks. meeheehee. plus my baby just scored 2 goals for man u today. lalalalala.

orientation was great (: justin and aston. we had loads of fun with estrella. hahaha. and stef and i got alot closer thanks to orientation :D which was a hugeee plus. i love my steffy weffy.

juniors coming in. oh how i missed juee, wenxin, huihui and wanchee so much last yr. chingay to gym to all the nonsense lunches and dinners where i just sat there listening to my gossipy juniors gossip around me -.- i knew so much j1 gossip back then. hahaha. i love my juniors. then goldfish and viola appeared :p my two little happy fruits. grins. who always brought me hei bai pei to cheer me up. oh i love these two girls so much. hahaha. muacks.

then my 6 lifesavers in class. mel, suefaye, jeremy, junwee, ivan and wanlin. haha, mel and i have been sisters for 6 yrs now (: and we're getting to e point where she can almost read my mind. grins, what would i have done without you. and suefaye, my fellow weird conversationer. (if that's even a word), we love to talk about ahem funny things don't we. hahaha, and jeremy and junwee. they actually drove me insane half e time -.- but i love em to death.

anddd, the establishment of screw. grins. SCRW. WHERE IS CHOO YI MING DAMNIT! shoot e sheep alr and get back here from the god forsaken land -.- but i'm really glad we made it through jc still together (:

but then. there were ppl i dearly missed too. char, wj (hah), and ______. and some of it hurt. alot. it hurt till e point where there were nights i couldn't sleep, thinking about what was and what could have been. shrugs.

lastly, muacks to a few ppl who kept me going all this while other than those above. anwar, kaleni, ziying, jerrine and to a few more. and some surprise friendships made over this yr. bertram being one.

alrighty, that's all 2006. i'm kinda happy to see you go. cos with you, i close alot of chapters, and hope 2007 brings a lot more happier ones (:

resolution for 2007 : be happy & dance more!

no japan yet. haha. i think partly why i keep putting off writing abt it now, is that i want to pretend i'm still away, and hope that the feeling of escapement, of being free lasts for a while longer.

meredith said once, 'i'm dark and twisty, and i'm damaged.' i think angie will agree to the first abt me, and i'll admit to the last two. i really try to let the wounds heal. but as the scab grows over, either i will scratch it open again. or something will peel it off. be it the smallest most insignificant shit. like fairy lights. or an espresso. or narnia. or a movie cinema. or the smell of my shampoo. the perfume. or even christmas. it peels it away again and again and again. and its so tiring. it really is.

it bugs me where we're heading. i'm too tired for anything actually. and yet there's something. god i don't make much sense do i.

i want screw time. i want mel time. i want dancers time. i want angie time (which i'm gonna get some tmr). i want rg training time. i want family time. i want drama time. i want everyone's time.

ivan and jeremy's xmas cards arrived today (: made my day. i realise despite how much animosity i feel for my class. the few friends i made there are really great loyal friends who despite my constant absence, have seen me through and through. mel, suefaye, jeremy, junwee, ivan and wanlin. (y)

melancholic tune

: chestnuts roasting on an open fire :: nat king cole :

i'll be spending the wee hours of morning of xmas alone i suppose. raymond and jasmine are not staying. he has this uncanny abillity to make me feel insignificant you know. no matter what. and jie just feels like home (: how opposite can a pair of siblings be. i still have my family party and all, but there's still this emptiness.

i really want to go out after everyone's left or gone to bed and then just sit under the stars and watch the world go by. normally this would be e kind of things i'd call mel up and drag her along.. but she's far far away in us now, and i really really miss her. its only a few weeks and not talking to her makes me feel all weird, like something's missing. what are we gonna do when either one of us go overseas to study. sighs. and then there's e prob of insects and lizards out on the fields, grumbles.

baking with stef was lovely (: for that afternoon it really felt like christmas. the baking smell coming from the oven. laughing and talking. feeding the two un-helpers (cass & rach). hahaha. these are the things that really matter. and then i nearly bawled over stef's card. haha. i love you darling (: mucho mucho. homebody stuff (y) scrw, missing e ):

i'm starting to see signs of adulthood in many ppl. be it in the things they do, way they talk, mannerisms and everything. its becoming all curt and cold, business-like. and i really don't like it. like an email from _________ was so solemn and serious and.. cold. i hate it. why does being an adult mean that u become stern and cold, no more warmth. no more gentleness. all the harshness bursts forward. its digusting.

: she is :: the fray :

wait a lil bit longer for japan yea.

i had a rather brutally honest conversation with rachel on msn just now. it took me a long time to come to terms with what i told her. and it wasn't particularly easy for me to admit it all to her. but then again i always said rachel was like my conscience, the voice that keeps me grounded. haha.

i think at some unconscious level, i went into all that expecting an ending sooner or later. i always planned how things would end. and i knew for a fact it wouldn't last. maybe that's why i made the choices i did. i dared not give myself the hope of forever. its a rather empty kinda hoping anyway. shrugs.

it seems rachel and i are rather similar these few days. identical sat scores :p with the exception that she took physics and i took bio. and being little hermits, watching korean dvds. i've been inhaling cup noodles. -.- but stef cass and rach are coming over tmr to bake and do nonsense shit (: maybe i'll start feeling like its xmas time. but it's really gonna be diff without peijie around. grumbles. i miss you jie ):

only you, can make this world seem right

: only you :: the platters :

i haven't had the heart lately to blog about japan. just been trying to sort out thoughts and emotions. and writing them down before i forget.

i realise there are two kind of people, or two kinds of relationships. those that skirt around boundaries, defining the boundaries and avoid ever going near. and there are those who see these boundaries, and dare to take the risk, the risk of losing it all, and pushing past those boundaries. the last i've only met a few.. i thought you were one, maybe now it seems like you aren't. shrugs. but me, i like the second type. hahaha. too complicated to explain.

i've not been the kind to run away from difficult situations. but i realise i've been avoiding such situations by being contented with safe emotions and the sort. i convinced myself of alot of things. only to realise now that i've just been hiding in that corner, clinging onto things that will not hurt me. but only those that mean the most, can hurt me the most. the irony. haha.

anyway, went out with cass and rach yesterday (: it was rather wet but it felt so good. haha. the old banter, the understanding without a word, and the unconditional love. haha. i miss my screw.

and then it got really interesting last night, or rather early this morning -.- let's just say it involved rain, vodka (alot of vodka), detol, ribena, cigarettes (glares), a balcony and a hell lot of nonsense. hahaha. it feels so surreal. but i've got a huge bruise on my arm to prove that everything happened -.- all cos i asked someone to pinch me. brilliance. and when my mum praised you to the skies today and used you as an example to lecture me, i just kept quiet. it hurt, but i'd protect you. always.

ooh i love my korean show (: so excuse my hibernation.

: little bird :: annie lennox :

waves

a little detour before i start my ramblings about japan. well i'm rambling now, but not about japan.

thoughts, events, people, things and feelings have just been rolling over my mind the past week. i love traveling, cos it gives me the chance to breathe free. to think clearly. to be away from everything. and to see new things.

i rmb seeing japanese couples, and thinking how sweet they are. they aren't big on the pda, but they always make the effort to keep that physical contact, be it stuffing their hands into one coat pocket, rubbing the girl's arms to keep her warm, whispering in her ear, and all the simple stuff. i just feel that sometimes we put to much emphasis on the major things, like the first kiss, the first month anniv, vday and all that.. and miss out on the small but equally important things. like making the effort to see one another, tucking hair behind a ear, holding hands and such. and it really makes me sad, cos i'm guilty of such stuff. i was. and it changed everything.

its been exactly a year to the day it all ended. and it took me most of that year to stand up again, leave behind that burden and walk on. i stopped asking myself why it had such a profound effect on me. and i stopped trying to explain why i couldn't let go. it'll always be something other can't understand. but as time went by, bit by bit everything faded. and with the coming of the new year, its time to really leave all this behind. i'm ready for a new beginning.

watching grey's anatomy is something i love to do alone. it my me-time. and it always ends up with my bawlin in the dark. but its good bawling i suppose. therapeutic.

: she is :: the fray :

[edit] forgot to say GOODBYE! and i'll be back on 18th i think. my phone's 3G MEEHEEHEE :D i got my new lovely pretty phone. its the le'amour flip one. grins. so message me all u want (: esp all the ppl overseas who are roaming. i will miss all of you. esp angie baby, mel, ming, anwar, rach and many more. have fun and goodbye! [/edit]

my feet are still aching. grumbles. and i have 4 us uni apps to fill out before i leave for japan tmr. hehh. which i'm super lazy to do, but since i sat through the long hours to do my sats, i shall just fill em out eh. my 3 bundles of info came from kings warwick and nottingham today though (: meeheehee. don't worry angie!

to krist baby. saw ur dec 3rd entry. hugs. we really seem to go through the same shit. haha. i know how it feels, and it sucks. ah wells, i'll kiss you more in japan and cheer you up (: meeheehee. muacks.

and to ________. i really hate arguing with you. but i really don't know what exactly you want me to say sometimes. i could ignore everything but i honestly do care about you and i want you to be happy, not guilty and upset like you are now. and i wanted you to be safe. i/we did not want to take that risk, cos we did not want you to get really hurt and that would hurt everyone even more. i really hate leaving with everything like this, and i wish i could help. but you're the main character in it all, so i wish you strength to solve it all once and for all. i'm always there no matter what time and where i am dear. i wonder if i'm making much sense.

mingkie poo left yesterday ): and i'm missing her already. i won't get to see her till jan somemore. this sucks. and then once i leave for japan tmr i won't see mel till next yr too. pouts. and then next yr all the stupid boys have ns. grumbles.

oh yes i met kaleni e other day for a lil bit of catchup and shopping (: it was fun stuff. hahaha. the usual squabbling and all. i've missed it. and all the fighting to pay -.- that boy ah. sheesh. its been one year since we all met, and everything happened. time has passed, memories have faded. everything's different now, and i think i can finally accept that and walk on.



and i miss my gym juniors ): i miss tramp. and all the laoda-ing. meehee. ain't my juniors lovely and pretty (:



: les avions en papier :: bruno coulais :

prom!

ok. and now on to prom (: which was photo-whoring session to the maximum. it revolved around conversations like. 'oh hello! take picture!' which rachel obviously hated. hahah. but at least i got a picture :p the performances were not bad, but i was too busy taking pictures to notice except when it were the dancers on stage. hahaha. jem, nah, matt and dehui did a nice opening act :p but oh so copy wade robson la. hahaha. even the quirky charleston step :p but sexyback is lurveee. hahaha.

my feet are still aching from last night la. i walked around the whole ballroom dunno how many times la. round and round and round looking for ppl. then plus the after prom party at club momo. which nearly killed my poor feet cos i didn't bring extra shoes -.- so i was dancing e whole night in my 3 1/2 inch gold sparkly shoes. wonderful. but i thought momo was quite fun (: hahaha. very interesting events. but mel and angie didn't really like it :p mel had that petrified look as usual. grins.

despite all the happy stuff, there was the fair share of unhappy shit. which i do not particularly want to talk about. but i understand i suppose. and do know that a shoulder, ear and mouth is always available here.

i love my dress (: meeheheee. and my tights and my golden shoes. grins. and i love angie's dress too. did hair and make up with her which was fun. got to watch dennet practising too. haha. which was rather hilarious. i think dennet had the best talent (y)

i thought angie baby looked beautiful (; mel and suefaye too. hahaha, cos mel was wearing her special dress. she looked like a princess. wan lin looked super classy (: and alicia was gorgeous. justin looked (y) in his striped coat and lovely lovely shoes. anwar was all ready to club la -.- but i liked the blazer. ck (y) meehee. yipeng's coat was super nice. a tad bit soviet union soldier. haha. ming loved it to bits. sam tan and bert's polka dotted shirts were very matching. smirks. hahahaha. angie and i can't stop laughing at e two of em. i thought stef was a sexy babeee :D and there are many many more who i can't rmb now. so its pictures time! its not really in chronological order. the after prom pics are first :p but there are too many for me to re-organise, and this is not the whole loot -.- there are ALOT more where these came from. hahaha.


cass and mel in our hotel room. seto's in a racerback top! meeheehee, its mine btw, but she had to wear cos she didn't want to wear her blazer to e club. and i think mel looks beautiful (: zul and i at momo. he and his stupid shirt :p hahaha, for a moment i thought it said virgins are weird. and when i told him, he replied that well virgins are weird too -.-


ming and stef in the room. stef's a sexy babe (:


i love this pic (: the 4 of us in the lift. teeheehee. anwar and i at momo. stupid cap -.-



meliguayyy (: she looks so adorable in the bowtie and suit. hehee.


my jingjing darling (: the best dancer around. grins.


leslie and his cheshire cat grin. the trampers (: mel and ziying. how far we've come.


jeremy! hahaha, i look super white next to him. grins. he looked spiffy, only cos his mum chose his outfit. why can his mum have such gd taste and he have such lousy taste -.- and yi peng. who looked (y)


wanlin (: very breakfast at tiffany's. and yee ler. all preppy.


alicia darling (: ain't she gorgeous. hehee. sijian and hamster (kory). act cute only


mel and suefaye (: i love this one. and beatrice! my fellow uk-er. hehee. so pretty and demure.


valerie (; i liked her dress. and bert! polka dotted shirt. hehee.


krist darling in her sexy black cheongsam. hehee. steffish (: sexy momma.



suefaye, mel and junwee. he and his copper hair -.- dennet :D


those are my pretty sparkly golden shoes. and justin's gorgeous brown and white ones. hehee.


mingkie poo darling. and suefaye!


jerrine and her fake eyelashes. hahaha. anwar (:


sam and i looked so similar! hahaha. and our very own business woman cassandra seto :p


mel in her dress that was sewn with loads of love (: and one of e few pics of rachel. haha. all decked out in black.

and the next section is dedicated specially to my angie baby (: who made prom such a blast for me. one of e few ppl who really shared my enthusiasm for prom. meeheehee. we would talk forever abt prom shit. i love you my angie baby. to uk we go!




doesn't angie look absolutely gleeful and overjoyed. hahaha.

: sleigh ride :: ella fitzgerald :
its xmas time!

belated party

so many things so little time. so many photos. so many memories (: life has been on super overload in the recent days. leaving me drained, tired and incredibly happy. it finally feels like i can spread my wings and fly (excuse the cliche). and i finally have the time to watch the stars in the sky again. to let time just pass me by like this.

before i launch into my photo-whoring sessions :p i just wanted to say thank you to all the lovely darlings who celebrated my birthday with me, remembered my birthday, made the effort to make me happy and so much more. i will always keep the necklaces, the earrings, cards, cds, books and everything by my side (: just to remind me of how blessed i am. and i will wear the two lovely shirts though i disagree with one :p hmmphs, krist bert and sam should know. hahaha.

to my interdependent. i've missed my dear friend.

to my old friend yi peng. another friend i've made through the most screwed up situations, but i missed you too. and i still want my present -glares-

to screw. i wish everything was smooth all the time. but it ain't. but that's why we're so close i suppose. and what matters at most at the end of the day, is that we turn to each other. give each other a hug and kiss and take all that pain away.

to mel. you always say that you rely on me, but you don't realise how much i rely on you too. i wouldn't have made it through e past 2 yrs without you. you've pulled me up so many times, listened to every nonsense shit i went through and never judged me. i love you my dear sis. and nothing makes me happier to see you happy. i hope you are (:

to krist. i sent u that message today. and i realise we see bits of ourselves in each other sometimes. and that's why you could always see when i was hurting even though i covered it up. you're a kindred spirt (: haha, and i love you my darling. i'll keep terrorising you with my kisses :D no worries!

to angie baby. my best girlfriend (; hahaha. you're the sunshine in my life. and u're the only form of sunlight i like. grins. you've heard all this a million and one times. here's to uk together!

anyway, those were the few ppl i've wanted to say things to over e past few days but didn't have e chance :p haha.

anyway, my bday party. belated actually. a lot of drunk fun-ness :p vodka, wine and champagne had ppl ears burning, giggling randomly, all red and doing funny things. we didn't really do much. just sat around, ate, drank and be merry (: which was simple and nice.




the scene by e poolside, leslie, justin, sam, iris, krist, two very red yipeng and wanlin, screw, the dancers, mel and angie darling (: i love the last pic. i think its gorgeous.



and everyone (: teeheehee.

i shall put my prom pics in another blog entry :p

: fall away :: the fray :
i'm listening to wanlin's cd (: